Growth Within Part 4

Growth Within Part 4

Identity & Spirituality 

I grew up in a predominantly white community, a small town in Pennsylvania, in which most people knew each other. There was not a lot of culture or diversity (there is a difference between the two) where I grew up so being outside of the town’s “norm”, was challenging in its own ways. But anytime we met someone that was out of the “norm” or just someone who embraced various cultures and/or diversities, we all hung out and became great friends, sometimes even family.  

I remember all throughout my younger school years like ages 10-14, my hair was going through a lot of changes. At times, we did chemical treatments off and on to make the curls “behave” and it would last a long time with maintenance. Often it was liked better by other girls when it was straight so at times, so I would ask my mother to straighten my hair sometimes as I did generally like the style at times, but other times, when fitting in seemed appealing, I would want it straightened to be liked. Sometimes she would just straighten it to say that it was “styled”. “Fly aways”, “Baby hairs”, “edges” whatever you’d like to call them, they were looked at as frizz (not the same thing) and needed to be “tamed.” Visiting family in Ohio was always fun as I would have cousins that put my hair into braids, and I loved it! Those were mesmerizing to look at when returning to school but to me, it became annoying after a while when I was asked how it’s done or ask if they could be touched. Some would mock it as a weird hairstyle, not understanding the benefits of braids. From 15 years old going into the end of high school, my hair was becoming more accepted during the times I wore it more natural whether it was up or down, and I noticed a curiosity with it, with many questions like “How do you style it?” “How often do you have to wash it?” 

 Now throughout dance competitions during high school, it was often better to straighten it so that all the professional photos looked better. Plus, with the tight schedules and just how fast -paced these events were, time wasn’t always on our side. I did take pride in my hair because I had natural curls so the times where we needed to have curly ponytails or a curled-up bun, that was a piece of cake. Half the time I didn’t need hair spray to keep the curls in the position they were in. I always joked at times saying my hair had “built in hairspray” in the strands as it stayed where I put it (literally). We did some chemical treatments off and on throughout high school to make the curls more relaxed and it would last a long time with maintenance, but I was growing tired of it. I did enjoy my hair in those permed hair do’s at that time but the older I got, I was learning more about my hair so during senior year of high school, I decided that after prom, that was it. No chemicals, no heat. Plus, there were way more hair care options that came out than there was in my middle school years, so I’m exploring with co- washes, leave in conditioners, sprays, etc. I’m trying to figure out “What would make my curls happy?” “How can I style them efficiently so I’m not losing my mental shit in the morning?” Now I’m hesitant to straighten my hair or I only do so if I need to and no more full chemical treatments. I have highlights that I started back in 2021-2022 so the curls do well with those sessions & we keep it at that. Plus, I love the highlights and don’t think I’d ever grow them out lol.  

                 African American slang was often looked at as bad grammar in high school for me, when in reality it felt home-like and was our way of speaking. This was both embraced and mocked, depending on the environment, so naturally I’m code switching and able to tell who would understand the culture and who wouldn’t. I know many can relate to this as this has been done for decades. There were times, as a biracial woman, that I was either not “black enough” or not “white enough”, depending on the social environment I was in.  I would get the not “white enough” from where I grew up in that small town. However, not “black enough” came from African American peers at times if I didn’t seem cultured enough or from families of exes when it came to dating in the south. I remember in high school, I briefly dated a white guy, whom we’re still friends to this day & it was something so amusing to our peers in high school since we came from two completely different worlds. I volunteered for a church group that my mother ran & a Sister was walking out of church & saw me picking up items from our bin, tried to claim that I was a “woman of color stealing items from the donation bin.” After a while, a yearning sense of belonging came to the surface internally. But in my healing, I realized that I’m welcomed, just that I’m not at the right table yet. I found and keep finding my groups that I could be myself around over time, so to that I’m still immensely grateful for. 

        I remember the one time, years after my move to the south, I was a manager at the healthcare facility & I was checking in a patient who had a reputation of being difficult among the ladies I worked with. After I checked this person in, the patient was like “You don’t look like you’re from here. Where you from?” Before I could even respond to it, my one coworker was like “where does she look like she from then? Hmm? We’ll call you up if we need anything from you before they take you back.” I was at first grateful for my co-worker for stepping in. But I was also like “What the f*ck?” with the patient because while I knew I wasn’t from here and I reminded myself that it was just another mockery in the book, it was like an underlying way of saying “you’re not black enough to be down here.” While I dismissed it, I was like damn I can’t catch a break but also well it’s her loss. 

        Spirituality is always something I’m learning on. My father’s side of the family is mostly Baptist, and my mother’s side of the family is Roman Catholic. I love Baptist churches for the energy, going in dancing, singing praises to God, listening to more realistic teachings, just overall a fun but spiritually fulfilling experience. Catholic Churches, ha, well I’m not going to bash it as I grew up Catholic (I’m moreso spiritual now) plus every religion has its ways, but I will say I got to fight my sleep sometimes. Same song melodies, same rules, same views, & at times there’s group clicks. Growth in the Catholic Church comes at slower paces and it’s almost like (or at least it felt this way) we are afraid of change and being a perfect Catholic is at times the “goal”. Shame and guilt on many modern ideas and the way it is, is the way to go. A lot of the teachings I didn’t agree with at all in my religion classes that I took (did I mention I went to Catholic school all my life? Yep!) and as a child that was created outside of marriage and being the flower girl, I didn’t see anything wrong with that, but the teachings gave me that underlying shame like “oof, oh boy you were the flower girl at your parents wedding? That doesn’t seem right.”  

In my confirmation retreats, we all had questions of reason and clarity during one of our group conversations & none of those were answered as “there wasn’t enough of time, we got more activities to do.” Overtime, all the experiences made me shame myself, like I’m just a bad human being for having logical questions and for just being human. The older I got, I started researching the Catholic religion and the origins of it from Pagan holidays to the overall history. I also explored various religions from learning about them to checking out the environments. I don’t have a favorite religion as they all seem the same in their own ways. I admire them all, but I do feel chained up from biding by one religion. So, I choose to be spiritual, a person of God/Universe/HigherPower that does good by people and tries to be a better person today than yesterday. If something’s labeled wrong, I look at the “whys” because it may be wrong in the book but may also be misunderstood as well. My religious traumas didn’t really steer me away from religion, insteaad it more so gave me a perspective of there’s more than one way to praise that person (or thing, no judgement here) up above. My kids (if I ever have any) will learn this also. I want to educate them, give them a choice so they can be more fulfilled than I was. Not baptize them as infants and only give them one religion to follow. 

      Identity and spiritually go hand in hand for me because if someone asks you “Who are you? Or tell me about you.” You’re going to mention your societal labels. “I’m Catholic, I’m biracial, I’m pansexual, I’m this, I’m that.” Not that, that is all you are as there are just labels, but it does become a few of the first things mentioned. For me, I’m spiritual, I’m a loving human being, I’m a foodie, I love to travel, I’m a person who loves to grow and learn, expand, check things out. I’m curious and sex positive. I love these things for me.  

     Do you understand the message?  It’s okay if you don’t! I’m open to conversation (healthy ones, not bashing ones!) Lol! 

       Take care of yourself! 

               Nessa <3