“Fixing” the Fixer
A lot of us who have endured trauma of some form, want to fix all the bad or unhealthy things that surround the causes of trauma that we were exposed to. We want to make the person(s) or groups apologize; we want them to own up to whatever they did that has caused such pain. We want them to do better, be better, and stay better. And fixers want to keep at repairing/fixing, keep repairing and healing that relationship, keep trying to make the negatives turn into positives, keep the momentum going of “they are almost there, almost to what I need them to be so that I can finally heal, so that I can finally breathe and not be so suffocated all the f*cking time.” We want to keep trying to fill the missing puzzle piece space with something to fill it, to nourish it. It’s a never ending, unfulfilling, body wearing, emotionally draining cycle of wanting to turn back time to where it was not existing. At least to a point where it wasn’t so prominently known.
I will say that I’ve been one of those people who is a “fixer”. I wanted to fix all the relationships that turned out abusive to me, wanted the answers for all the “why” questions I had and find closure with those so I could “finally” move on. I wanted to make things work in some ways, I gave unsolicited advice and guidance, I gave my time and energy in hopes that whatever I was doing with them, it would be a fresh start of a different life path. I kept fooling myself and it kept hurting me more, every time.
My love letter to the fixers in the world is this: I’m not trying to fix you as I can’t fix you and I don’t want to. I am too busy healing myself and putting the pieces of the new puzzle within me together. But I do want to hug you, I want to enjoy your company, I do want to learn you and learn from you. My experiences with fixing something so shattered that it’s dust never ended well for me as I was the person crying at the end of each cycle. For those who continuously remind you of the important role this person has in your life, who remind you that the more you try, the more blessings you receive, who remind you that it’ll work out in the end, just keep smiling and going with it, don’t know what it is like as you’re already trying to do those things, with little reward or fulfillment in return. You are already knowing these reminders, hence why you’re trying to continuously repair. You know what is best for you at the end of the cycle when you’re finally start to pause and say, “What’s different than the other times I’ve tried to repair this? Am I fulfilled doing this? Am I happy and feeling inner joy doing this? What parts of me wants to keep going and what gives it that momentum? Am I achieving more peace after each cycle, after each conversation, each repairing moment, each time there’s a boundary reminder?” These questions plus a trillion more, whatever your answer is, the parts of you that want to walk away, will start screaming and shouting at you with hopes that you will listen. I’m rooting for your growth and whatever you decide to do, because you may not understand nor realize at cycle 4, or 20, or 100, or 2,000. But you will when you had soulfully, physically, emotionally, and mentally had enough. Some cycles can be repaired with all parties standing together and some cycles can’t be.
So, fixer, with all the love I have for you and the admiration that you want to keep going, to keep finding the missing puzzle piece, which cycle type is yours? I’m here with open arms to listen and connect.
Take care of yourself!
Nessa <3
