Growth Within Part 2

Growth part 2

Reflection on love & relationships 

My approach to love on a surface level is definitely different now, from then. I used to just not worry about dating, and I was used to doing things on my own. I enjoyed the idea of being single a bit too much. But I liked my independence, so I didn’t want that taken away but also hadn’t figured out how to still have my independence while in a relationship. But I was also the therapist for close loved ones who were having issues, so I didn’t want to take on another care giving role as I was wanting to get out of the unhealthy ones that I was already in. I also adopted some of the same tendencies that some of my family had (putting others needs before mine own, being selective in confronting someone of their wrongdoing, etc) and thought that those were normal, but I learned over time from therapy and self-development that not only are those draining health-wise but those also didn’t align with me at all. It didn’t feel fulfilling at all, and it started to impact the romantic relationships that I had in my early adult years. None of my romantic relationships beside the one I’m currently in has lasted more than 3-4 months. And it was the result of me not being fulfilled, me not being mature enough, the space that me and the other person shared wasn’t healthy nor safe enough to express there was always something missing, whether I brought it up or not. Each relationship had their own honeymoon phase but when it phased out, the relationship followed. I had to learn over time that the honeymoon phase will be there if you’re with someone that aligns with you, is willing to grow/learn with you, & you’re giving that same kind of energy right back to them. It won’t go away for long after a conflict and it’s noticeable to the outside world (all that chemistryyy lol). If it phases out after a short amount of time & doesn’t come back, then it comes down to how deep was the relationship and were both person(s) willing to make changes to keep it there.  

My approach to love is on a deeper level now, it has significantly changed, and it has also helped me understand myself better in so many ways. I’m more passionate, I enjoy and want more deep conversations where the topics make you feel naked. I also enjoy being slightly uncomfortable in a way that will allow me to grow in various directions. Conflicts, I see them now as a way of growing within myself and with your partner, it’s not to prove who’s right and wrong in the relationship. I’m willing to develop various perspectives and see various point of views. That’s just a glimpse of my approach to love now.  

Before this growth, I was all loving and welcoming, subconsciously adopting the idea that my thoughts and feelings didn’t matter & I had to realize that I wasn’t giving that same love to myself. So it was like I was pouring from an empty cup essentially. I wasn’t in love with myself enough to fully say what I wanted and to give myself time to figure my own self out. And the love that I was yearning for wasn’t reciprocated naturally. Conditional love was what I was used to & I had to realize that it is the worst love you can give someone. It limited me, limited each of my past partners, and the conditional part in that, might not be achieved. So I often wondered what is so appealing to love someone or pursue someone when you know you can’t love them fully & they yearn for that unconditional love. 

My approach boundaries with love has definitely grown. I used to just hit people up when I want to talk to them, not worrying about the energy being reciprocated. But now, I’m like “I care about you, now do you care about me?” Now I will always promote a two-way street aproach when reciprocating and putting in effort in the various relationships and friendships that I have just because that’s equal love. I’m one to keep my circle small because first I can only handle so much socializing before I need to recharge lol and second, I want to have time for my friends and for myself lol. Time for my partner and my family also. Making that a balance was and still is needed, so I don’t drive myself f*cking crazy.  

I prefer open honest communication because that is what makes that bond and I’m grateful to already have that with some loved ones now. If I can’t have that kind of safe communication with you, then I act accordingly to protect my energy. I am continuously learning the deeper levels of trust and how to implement those in my life as the observer I am. With the specific social experiences that I had, that didn’t benefit me nor serve me purpose, has me learning attunement now, determining if a person's energy will be beneficial to me. I often think that maybe since I was so consumed with various tasks like my work, my schooling, figuring me out, issues with loved ones, anything that added to that, may have also been too much at the time to learn all of this and continuously implement it, or maybe even I didn’t have the skills to balance all these out as they are all equally important. Since I learned that lesson through the mistake of someone else, I got a deeper understanding of it and ran with it. I learned to be gentle with myself also though I’m still working on that, of course. I’ve always been hard on myself, and it was the unrealistic expectations that got me there and I was trying to reach those bitches. I figured out that they were unreachable because of how much they stemmed from perfectionism. And I know I’m not perfect, so I said fuck it.  

Being gay was and still is an interesting part of me. I love the opportunities it brings me but I literally didn’t pay attention to that part of me at all in high school. Thought the crushes I had weren’t much to pay attention to at that time. Just thought f*ck I really like this person, they’re such a great friend. Lol. Or I stare at a pretty girl for too long, being a creeper. Now, while I do have actual friends and girls' night, all the thoughts are playful. I’m a mix of feminine and masculine mannerisms, which makes sense because I easy flow through a lot or at least I’m able to adapt to changes. I’m not worried about the haters when it comes to how I approach love and how I express myself, as I’m confident in me. I wasn’t for so long and I had to build that in ways that it would serve me purpose. 

It is okay to be a little selfish. The kind of selfish needed is where you can confidently “This is not what I want/need.” “I need to do this task another day or find time to do it today.” “I cannot hang out today as I have other plans of my own.” “You need to respect my boundaries.” and so on! It feels so weird at first, but then it’ll feel like a breath of fresh air over time. 

Take care of yourself! 

Nessa <3