Growth Within Part 3
Growth Within part 3
8+ year Self Reflection on emotions
Growing up with a few emotionally immature adults, these were including immediate caregivers, was both challenging and frustrating because it made regulating my emotions, feelings my emotions, and just feeling anything in general much more difficult and frustrating internally. It was like only a few emotions were good, the rest were bad, instead of welcoming all the good and bad emotions to figure them out. But that was not the option. But with the self -awareness that I have, I was able to see who I could safely open up to when I had a lot to express and who I couldn’t. So, with those moments where I was expressive with safe people, it gave me an idea of where my own emotional maturity was at, at the start of my healing journey. With time, only a select few of that group have been able to reflect & grow themselves; in order to have a better relationship with me. So, expressing emotions, having a safe space consistently, and just being able to be myself wasn’t how it started out to be, but it eventually became that way with healing and me being a little selfish.
Details going into my emotions, prior to my healing journey state, I suppressed and stuffed so much. I was a stuffed animal, filled with tons of feelings instead of cotton. I didn’t talk about anything, I didn’t feel emotionally safe enough to talk about anything, and I had a lot of negative and positive inner dialogue. I would get frustrated easily when I couldn’t figure something out within a few minutes, which this stemmed from perfectionism. I would get easily stressed out with life’s obstacles instead of trying to find solutions to the problems. With every argument that stemmed from me voicing my own needs to my caregivers and being shut down or made to feel guilty, I just kept convincing myself that love, the way I needed to be loved and understood, was just something that I wasn’t going to get from anyone. It wasn’t a love that existed either in my life cards or just in general. That’s a painful thing to belief and to still think about, when I think about how far I’ve come. There were periods of depression and anxiety, where I just wanted to be left alone in my own space.
Fast forward to present times, my emotions are welcoming things that I’ve been able to really work through and manage in ways I can. I slip up into old patterns and I have to remind myself that it’s just a slip up, to keep going, keep growing & feeling. When it comes to recovering from generational trauma, a lot of the emotions that I was experiencing, wasn’t mine. And this wasn’t something that I discovered on my own as my therapist has been extremely helpful with pointing many things like this out. There’s many techniques that I continue to do now so that I can learn more about myself, plus learn how to manage life curveballs and frustrating conversation topics. I go into periods of recharge where I’ll take extra care of myself and limit my phone usage. I get mocked for this as someone who “just loves to stay disconnected”. But if anything, I recharge, to stay connected and to stay in tune with the people who love me the most! I make sure my circles are safe spaces, in the best ways they can be. If I’m not given the space from others, I make it a point to make a space myself as I need to.
Don’t be afraid to be a little selfish and recharge. Ambiverts (me being one!) are ones that are in tune with the energy around them as well as energy within themselves. Disconnecting is beneficial, especially when done with intention to grow inside and out. Disconnecting with no intention to grow, is moreso isolation, like being in chains with no key. It’s best to know the difference!
Take care of yourself,
Nessa <3
