Fear, an ‘ole Friend
Fear
Fear has been a feeling that has orbited my world long enough for me to know when it comes. It was a reason for some decisions that I’ve made in the past, but now is the first thing I try to think less (or just equal with other emotions) about. Fear has in some ways held me back but also has protected me in many ways too. I grew up in fear, I was taught in some ways (religiously, societally, etc) to be fearful, came home in fear, and have had fear as a home guest, that didn’t want to leave, throughout my upbringing.
For those that can relate, fear is one of the most intensely experienced emotions in trauma because it’s almost as if we’re supposed to live in fear. Our abusers and those who have hurt us, whether intentionally or non-intentionally, instill this deeply rooted fear in us, that make us subconsciously stay in this bubble, this little fragile bubble, that could burst if the wrong thing is said or done.
I lost time due to false fear. My brain is under construction due to real fear. I’ve, in many times, avoided people, places, and topics that have brought up fear, whether that fear was from me being afraid of the person I would become if I unleashed everything uncontrollably or from what potential repercussions could come out of the source. I’ve also gained clarity from boldly entertaining fear. I’ve also, in many cases, faced fear out of testing it or being curious about it and while it was terrifying, it opened up the reality that I was in more.
Fear is either going to keep us growing, keep us stuck and stagnant, have us challenging ourselves, make us reshape our neuro connectivity (current mindset wiring) or all four, depending on what we choose & allow. It all depends on how you not only view it but how do you want it to be part of your life, because that will be an emotion that will be part of your life whether you want it to be or not. Mentally and emotionally, I’ve been putting focus on putting fear in its own home next to my own, to contain it. I figure this way, I’m not avoiding it because it’s there living on my brain’s property, but I’m poking at it sometimes, seeing what comes up, giving its own space before I can let it properly handle mine. I don’t want it controlling every move I do, I can’t humanly afford it to. I have to re-train it, to work with me. Maybe you can relate to this or maybe even want to consider these methods.
When it comes up to visit, I sit with it, pour us some tea lol, we talk about why it’s coming to visit at this specific moment. What day in my life happened that made it stop its other tasks, to come see me, specifically? There are times where I feel honored and grateful by the emotion to allow me to expand my knowledge and life experiences. Then there are times where I don’t even want to answer the door when it knocks, even though I reluctantly know it has a key. But I know that while it has a fucked-up way of showing me what I need to know, it’s helping me. It’s giving me the truth in the rawest form, that I know I subconsciously crave and starve for.
While fear has shown me some of the most detrimental effects it can cause, it has shown me the benefits of what it can bring. Clarity, understanding, my actual reality, my own areas of improvement, my own challenges, the beliefs I carry that never were meant for me and the beliefs that it safely holds that it didn’t want to take as those beliefs belonged to me, specifically. It wants to be a friend to me, to you, to whoever it comes close to, but it’s always shown, always taught the wrong ways on how to do it. Give fear baby steps, give it a hug, give it love, and watch how it transforms into what you need it to be. It’s learning just like you are.
Take care of yourself
Nessa <3
