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Accountability, gotta love this term because not everyone likes to take accountability, or we shy away from it as it’s a process that involves vulnerability.
But one thing about accountability is that it helps you grow. It makes you pause when you’ve made mistakes whether it’s a mistake towards yourself or to someone else and it gives you that opportunity to amend that moment. I know I’m stating the obvious but be patient with me.
As trauma survivors or just as human beings that have been wronged, we constantly drain ourselves to get an apology out of someone and when we don’t, it’s a high possibility that we become petty to them, shady and excluding, and there has to come a time where we do have to pause and think to ourselves, “is all this energy that we’re putting into these revenge plots worth it?’’ I used to be one of those people who would beg and plea for an apology when I knew I deserved one and then my stubbornness would peak when I didn’t get one right then and there. Now, I’m moreso like “karma will get to them”, “they know they fucked up, they just can’t admit it to themselves, this is a “them” problem, not me.” And the energy that I would’ve given to just begging and pleading, I’m giving that back to myself. I need to. I have more potential within myself to be better than they do of themselves, plus misery loves company and I refuse to be miserable because of them.
Have I let go of the fuckery? Well, I have the receipts, and my memory is naturally there, but I have let go of the constant urge to fix the problem. I have let go of the person who has wronged me, discontinued the Access that they have because my Absence will hurt them more than my words and they’re wrongdoing to me ever will. My lack of reaction and their inability to control and manipulate me will hurt them more because that’s what they desire the most.
I say all this, to say, that hold yourself and your life accountable first. Hold the need to control the narrative on your end accountable first. Speak your truth, yes, but the need to make sure the narrative goes your way, no, let that go. It’ll only cost you more peace, time, and energy trying to control that. They will be held accountable either in another life or by someone else that they’ve wrong. Your absence, while we don’t think it’ll impact anything, trust me it impacts. You were the person they needed for the needs that they were starved of. If they refuse to take accountability of things that caused you harm, then it’s up to you to make the changes you need to heal the parts that became broken or damaged. They cannot be fixed by you. Grief that. That’s a hard truth, I know.
Accountability will always be a “make it or break it” in a relationship. I consider it a mental drug on it’s own as the dosage coming in and out of us has to be just right or we’ll become so addicted to making sure that person who wronged us, says “sorry”, we forget that we have a life of our own to live, we have our own bodies to take care of, we forget what truly matters: healing the relationship within ourselves. It’s a foundation in itself, but falls into the basic foundation family in all relationships and friendships. If it’s not acknowledged, if there’s no boundaries around it, that dynamic between the two or more person(s), alters overtime. It’s the inevitable.
Heal the relationship within yourself first. Relationships outside of us come and go but our inner world is always there guiding us to be better. The relationships that are meant for you will always be there and you won’t have to beg and plea for the love, respect, and maturity that you rightfully deserve.
Take care of yourself
Nessa <3
