Stuck on You
Stuck on You
Codependency, enmeshment, control are all the things (and much more) that I’m a survivor of, I continue to heal from, and I intentionally work to ensure that I’m both free from and not passing it on to anyone else. These terms, though they have different meanings, have one thing in common, which there’s no independency or boundaries that occupy these types of relationship dynamics.
For educational purposes, a codependency dynamic is excessive reliance on another human being for some type of gain or for resources. An enmeshment dynamic is when two human beings have blurred or no boundaries between the two of them. These relationship dynamics can be emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc. These are unhealthy dynamics and can become toxic relationships, form toxic bonds and/or even trauma bonds, as they’re formed slowly or quickly overtime. A controlling dynamic is when there’s specific do’s and don’t’s put onto one of the individuals in the relationship, from another individual. This could be anywhere from alienation from specific family members with guilt added when the “rule” is broken, to “rules” on what to wear, what to spend, how free time is spent, and so on.
In my experiences, I couldn’t be independent in the ways that I wanted to. The way that I was independent was for the gain of someone else. There were times as a teen that I had a job but most of my money earned was to pay for adult things that I didn’t know about, or I was forced to pay for them. My bank account, during my high school years to the first few years of my adulthood, was dramatically depleted for things that I didn’t consent on, or I never knew about until after the transaction. Yes, I had some money for things: gas in my car, some general items I wanted, items I wanted when with friends, etc. But those quality moments of time were limited and when I expressed my need for freedom, it was either dismissed, ignored, or criticized. I learned to be silent.
I was given specific times that I needed to be home. Restrictions on what I could and couldn’t do. I often hesitated even asking to go with friends because half the time the answer was “no” from my mother. I witnessed a lot of jealousy from my mother when it came to the parents of my friends because in some ways, I favored them more. The way I favored them, wasn’t like a “I wish my mother, wasn’t my mother” kind of way but more so “I wish I had the same freedoms, the same privileges, the same trusted bond that they had with their parent.” I envied that but I know now that, it wasn’t something that I could control, especially being a minor. I remember the arguments about this because it was as if I had to be reliable constantly. I had to be feeling and thinking the same way at all times, so my own individuality didn’t matter. It was made crystal clear that they weren’t valid because it stemmed from my view, not from my caregiver’s. There were often times that my independent thinking and decisions were doubted. Common comments told were “too much independence, too early” “You’re just trying to get away from me, aren’t you?” I often felt like I had to lie to go anywhere or I had to have a friend’s parent call my mother to say “Hey, can she come over tonight?” My high school years, leading up to my early adulthood years, was not the average.
I say all this to say that independency, individuality, mutual trust & respect for all human needs are things that I cannot live without. I cannot live without those life qualities. No one can. Those traits, those basic human needs that make such a huge impact on day-to-day life. Anything opposite of those qualities will hold any human back. It’ll slow the pace of any development of your sense of self. Plus, without that trust, it’s as if you can’t trust anybody, especially yourself. Like you have no choice but to trust that the person you reluctantly rely on the most, hopefully has your back. That shit sucks when it constantly doubts what you’re feeling, thinking, doing, saying, etc. It fucking sucks when you have to keep an eye over your shoulder, while an eye on the road ahead. It’s like there’s invisible chains that only show up when you’ve gone “too far” in the space provided to you. Like I’m suffocating in the environment that’s been put together for me. Emotionally, I’m under construction BUT can say I’m proud of myself for my progress now. Overtime in my current healing journey, I’m learning how to understand my suppressed emotions and release them. Quite honestly, there’s days where my progress is great. Then there’s times, where it feels like I’ve went backwards ten years.
I know the roles that I played (mother’s therapist, punching bag, mediator, second parent, babysitter, the good girl, the “yes” man, etc.) are truly missed. I know me, as a person with independent ways, is likely not. But I’m meant to be just me. I’m meant to be me. The friend, the lover (to myself and my partner), the human being with a thousand ideas, thoughts and/or feelings, the person that can be looked up to for the healthier reasons. But again, the most important individual I’m meant to be and continue to learn from, is me. Authentically me.
