Stuck on You
Stuck on You
Codependency, enmeshment, control are all the things (and much more) that I’m a survivor of, I continue to heal from, and I intentionally work to ensure that I’m both free from and not passing it on to anyone else. These terms, though they have different meanings, have one thing in common, which is there is no independence and no boundaries that occupy these types of relationship dynamics.
For educational purposes, a codependency dynamic is excessive reliance on another human being for some type of gain or for resources, while an enmeshment dynamic is when two human beings have blurred or no boundaries between the two of them. These relationship dynamics can be emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc. These are unhealthy dynamics and can become toxic relationships, form toxic bonds and/or even trauma bonds, as they’re formed slowly or quickly overtime. A controlling dynamic is when there’s specific dos and don’ts put onto one of the individuals in the relationship, from another individual. This could be anywhere from alienation from specific family members with guilt added when the “rule” is broken to “rules” on what to wear, what to spend, how free time is spent, and so on.
In my experiences, I couldn’t be independent in the ways that I wanted to. The way that I was independent was for the gain of someone else. Examples of this were times that I had a job but most of my money earned was to pay for adult things that I didn’t know about, or I was forced to pay for them. My bank account, during the time I entered my high school years old to the first few years of my adulthood, was dramatically depleted for things that I didn’t consent on, or I never knew about until after the transaction. Yes, I paid for other things: gas in my car, some high school expenses for the things I wanted, things I wanted when out with friends, etc. but those quality moments of time were limited. I often drove people to places so it’s not like I had a lot of joy rides when I had my first vehicle. Any emotions that differed from my mother or any immediate family member were either dismissed, ignored, or criticized.
I was also given specific times that I needed to be home, restrictions on what I could and couldn’t do, I often hesitated even asking to go with friends because half the time the answer was “no” from my mother. I witnessed a lot of jealousy from my mother when it came to the parents of my friends because in some ways, I favored them more. The way I favored them, wasn’t like a “I wish my mother, wasn’t my mother” kind of way but more so “I wish I had the same freedoms, the same privileges, the same trusted bond that they had with their parent.” I envied that but I know now that, it wasn’t something that I could control, especially being a minor. I remember us getting into arguments about this because it was as if I had to be reliable constantly, I had to be feeling the same way and thinking the same way at all times, and my own personal feelings didn’t matter. And it was made crystal clear, that they weren’t valid because it stemmed from my point of view, not from my caregiver’s. There were often times that my independent thinking and decisions were doubted. Common comments told to were “too much independence, too early” “You’re just trying to get away from me, aren’t you?” I often felt like I had to lie to go somewhere, or I had to have the parent of a friend call my mother to say “Hey, can she come over tonight?” My high school years, leading up to my early adulthood years, were not the average high school to college experience.
I say all this to say that independence, individuality, mutual trust & respect for all human needs are things that I cannot live without. I cannot live without those life qualities. I honestly don’t think anyone can. Those traits, those basic human needs that make such a huge impact on day-to-day life. Anything opposite of those qualities will hold any human back. It will also slow the pace of any development of your sense of self. Plus, without that trust, it’s as if you can’t trust anybody, especially yourself. Or it’s as if you have no choice but to trust that the person you reluctantly rely on the most, means the upmost best for you, when in reality, that may not be the case. That shit sucks when it constantly doubts what you’re feeling, thinking, doing, saying, etc. It fucking sucks when you have to keep an eye over your shoulder, while an eye on the road ahead. It’s like there’s invisible chains that only show up when you’ve gone “too far” in the space provided to you. Like I’m suffocating in the environment that’s been put together for me. Emotionally, I’m under construction but can say I’m proud of myself for my progress now. Overtime, I learned how to suppress all feelings which, now in my current healing journey, I’m learning how to understand them and release them. Quite honestly, there’s days where my progress is great. Then there’s times, where it feels like I’ve went backwards ten years.
I know the roles that I played (therapist, punching bag, mediator, second parent, babysitter, the good girl, the “yes” man, etc.) are truly missed. I know me, as a person with independent ways, is likely not, as I think very uniquely, compared to my mother or any immediate loved one. But I’m meant to be just me. I’m meant to be me. The friend, the lover (to myself and my partner), the human being with a thousand ideas, thoughts and/or feelings, the person that can be looked up to for the healthier reasons. But again, the most important individual I’m meant to be and continue to learn from, is me. Authentic me.
